Do we really need to resort to this?  Maybe so, with concepts that both protect and serve to make us feel more protected, this design will really impress you.

A bedside table that will keep all the tools on hand that you might need, but hopefully WON'T need, at home.  Designer James McAdam brings you the Safe Bedside Table that quickly changes from an alarm clock and drink holder, to a beating stick and shield.  Of course, this table isn't yet for sale, but just a concept. 

I suppose if you really needed this setup, you could just kick your existing table into parts and utilize the pieces in the same way.  Maybe throw some velcro on the bottom of the table so that you can hold onto ...